I constantly find myself thinking about things to write about here. All. The. Time. I should really write my ideas down, but I’m more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. So I don’t. When I sit down to write, you get what’s on my mind. I kind of like it that way. It keeps things more journal-like. I like that I can go back through my blog archives and see precisely what was on my mind a year ago. I find it amazing how my perspective shifts without me even realizing it.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my marriage. Well, more like I’ve been trying to remember how I even got here. Not to say that I don’t want to be here…I very much want to be here, but this relationship kind of came out of nowhere 6 years ago. I wasn’t even this same person. In fact, I think back to things I said and did 6 or 7 years ago and I don’t get why I thought the way I did. It’s weird. I wasn’t very happy then. I was looking for anything and everything outside of myself to make me happy. Whether that was a person, a place, a job, a possession…anything. And then I met Mark. At work. He didn’t make a very good first impression and he made plenty of negative impressions after that too. I knew him for about 3 months before I started to like him at all. A year after we met…almost to the day, we got married. Mark was 37 and he had never been married. I was 28 and newly divorced. My line of thinking in the last few days has been something I think every married person should think about on a regular basis…what was it that brought us together? Why did I fall in love with this person? It’s so easy to lose whatever that “magic” was in the course of everyday life.
Mark was different than anyone I had ever dated. He was older than me by 9 years. He lived alone. He knew how to take care of himself. He knew how to pay his bills. He knew how to cook. He knew how to clean. He was very much independent, but he seemed pretty lonely and unhappy. He made me feel needed, but not because he needed my help with anything. He just made me feel like he needed me there. That was a pretty big deal to me. He didn’t need me to be his maid or his mother. Awesome. I admired his dedication to his family’s land…the house and the farm as a whole. I admired the way he could fix anything, or at least, is never afraid to try. We didn’t/don’t have much in common on the surface, but we have complimented each other well. He has (somehow) settled me down…and I think, really, I’ve done the same for him. I feel more grounded and content than I ever have, and really, I can’t ask for much more than that, can I?
We don’t talk about these things much. Mark is an intensely private person, and that’s ok. It wasn’t at first, but it is now. Every now and then he’ll open up a little, and the fact that he does that – for me – makes it even more special. I’ve learned not to fight the way he is, just to respect it and let it go whenever possible. He does the same for me…and that is what has made the difference. That is what helped me to calm down and stop fighting so hard against what I am and what my life is, and quit trying to make my life whatever way I thought it was supposed to be. He may not have taught me to live in the moment, but he has made it so much easier for me to do just that. That is where I am most content. That is where I find happiness…it’s really not in a person, place or thing at all, it’s in just living…going with the flow. He has allowed me to be me on a level that I had never quite experienced, and in doing that he allowed me to see how frivolous, even ridiculous some of my ideas on life were. Not that he ever ridiculed me for thinking those things, but the contrast in his views and mine was so stark that it made me think. And after I’d think something through I could see his perspective and understand it…my perspective began to shift…and here I am 6 years later, a much happier person.
When I thought earlier today about writing this post I considered waiting until our anniversary which is about a month and a half away. I decided against waiting. I don’t need a special occasion to remember why I married my husband. It’s not been a smooth, problem-free 6 years, but I can say, without a doubt, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love you Mark. 🙂